Existing
by ObessedTWFan
Summary: Chapter 10 The ending
1. Fear

_I know_ _I shouldn't be here, but I couldn't turn around no matter how hard I tried my legs wouldn't. I raise my hand to knock again but it drops back down to my side. That was what the ninth time I tried to knock on her door but couldn't. I'm not a person to feel this way very often, I don't like the feeling but I guess that what makes us human right? _

_Fear. There I said it I had fear of how she would react to me showing up at her door. I tried so hard to stay away but I couldn't. I wanted more of her, all of her. To bury myself deep inside her and come inside her when she screamed my name in pleasure. This is stupid just knock on her door or leave before one of her neighbours calls the cops. I am a cop or a battered one these days. _

_Three people know about my eyesight and that's two too many but I needed help. I think she accepted on the fact that maybe in time that I could forgive her, what she didn't know is that I'm not mad anymore, it was easy blaming everything that happened on her, she was just there. She was just there when I confess my problem too. She didn't touch me like everyone else would have done she just let me alone. Which I guess I needed. She was always like that though she would let you deal with your own problems cause she had her own to deal with and didn't want anyone to meddle with it._

_This is crazy why can't I knock on her door? I've done it before. This time its different though. A part of me was excited because I could actually hold her and she wouldn't disappear with the sound of an alarm clock. Another part of me dreaded this because she was the only one who could look at me and know exactly what I was feeling it scared me because I cant hide anything I'm feeling from her. Tired that's what I am. So very tired of everything and everyone looking at me differently, saying they know how I feel when they don't. Feeling like an alien everywhere I go._

_I just want to get away from everything if only for a few hours. This was my place to escape. I guess it was an escape for the both of us. Together we were just two people existing but apart the harshness of the world settled in like a dark storm cloud. This wouldn't go away in a couple of hours though. I finally get enough courage to knock on the door and it takes her a few seconds to answer the door. She doesn't say anything but lets me and in and shuts the door behind me. Both prepared to bring the other into a sense of existing._


	2. Haunted

Thanks you the reviews. Its taken me longer thani would have liked to update but i kept getting sidetracked.

_Reality was slowly making its self-known with little things like the streetlights trying to shine in the clouds blinds in her bedroom. The more I listened the more I could hear the traffic blaring their evil tune._

_She was sleeping now which after being with me was normal but it was a deep sleep, which worried me. She had been sleeping more and more which I thought was strange cause with her I was struggling to keep up. I guess she would tell me if she thought I need to know. If I had to guess it was work, I haven't heard a lot bout what she was doing but from what I have it would cause anyone added stress. She had courage I'll give her that much going in like she did._

_I was starting to fall for her again but it was different we'd both matured, grown up a bit even me. We had no choice. How else were we to face the problems that we were handed? The ties of reality were trying to draw me back I could almost see them as if they were real. The only thing that kept them at bay was me touching her, her skin so smooth and creamy. I can smell her hair I can't quite place what I smell but I do know I like it. She's the protector my protection from evil if only for a few hours. Some times we all just need to get away._

_Don't ask me how I knew but I did something was wrong. I tried to wake her but she didn't. I tried harder calling her name louder this time and touching her but nothing happened. I lay her on her back so I could hear if she was still alive. A heartbeat was good right? The next few hours passed in a blur all I remember is someone handing me a cup of I think it was coffee but what ever it was it tasted bitter. At least it was something to do. I was about three seconds off of telling the hospital they had slow service when the doctor came in._

"Mr. Boscorelli, I'm Dr. Abernathy; you brought in Ms. Cruz?" Why did he ask question he already knew the answer to?

"Yes how is she?" I looked at the doctor he was rather elderly I'd say about 60ish

"She's resting now; I would however like to keep her overnight" All I could do is nod. What else could I do?

"She was asking for you earlier" That brought some sense of relief

"Can I see her?" The room became deafening silent like everything was waiting for his answer. I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat but it became bigger as the time passed. Why doesn't he just tell me?

"You can see her if you like" With that he turned and walked out of the room leaving me and everything else working once again.

_I thought I had mentally prepared myself for what I saw. Her lying there she looks so small against the huge bed. I was thankful she didn't have hundreds of machines coming out or into her pumping her full of stuff I didn't know the name of. From what I could tell two were hooked up to her an IV I'm guessing to keep her hydrated and a heart monitor. Was that normal for someone who passed out? Couldn't tell you never been in that situation myself. The only sound was the beep every few seconds as if keeping a rhythm to something I wasn't a part of. I started notice more things like the three other beds in the room all empty and made. A window with yellow curtains sat in the middle of the room. The curtains were a poor attempt to bring a homey feel to the sterile environment._

_Orangey red rays filtered through the thin cloth. Had it been that long? She started to shift bringing me back to why I was here._

_How could some one so tough look so fragile? I sat down in a chair by her bed. The stress of the day finally making its presence known. My head collapsed in my hands. How did everything get so complicated? How could this world be so complicated? There wasn't an answer. Their not a whole lot of answers to our questions now is there? It seems the more answers that are finally answered; A hundred more seem to rise to the surface._

_What was that feeling? It's as if someone just dumped a bucket of cold water on my head. I look up to see the culprit she's awake and it was her hand._

_How could something be so cold and living?_

_I take her hand in mine trying to warm it._

"Hey Welcome back" She tried to smile but it looked odd on her right now. She had a beautiful smile but this looked different.

"You wanna tell me what's wrong?"

_My attempt to warm her hand was failing almost as if she was dead. It was breaking my to see her like this. She said something but it was nothing more than a whisper. Her words ripped me in half. This hurt me more than anything even Mikey's death. Those two words would haunt me forever_

"I'm dying"


	3. Sense of Belonging

_I have a question for anyone willing to listen… is it possible for your world to come crashing down more than once and so close together? If it was it couldn't be healthy could it?_

_How was it possible that my sense of belonging, my sense of home was going to be snatched away by something you couldn't even see?_

_What do you say to a person who just told you they were dying? Good for you? How awful? I'm at a roadblock; no one has ever done this to me before. I just sat there and stared my mind completely blank for the first time in my life, blank._

_The silence was deadly; I had to say something but what? Her eyes already filling up with tears I did what I could, I took her in my arms and just held her. Smoothing her hair as she cried into my shirt._

_It felt like someone had punched me in the gut, groin and head all at the same time. For the first time in a long time I began to cry maybe it was because all the time we had lost while we apart or the for the reason that we didn't have much more time to be together or it could have been the fact that I would loose half of my self once she left. I didn't want to be away from her but the nurse came in a few minutes later and said I had to leave even if I was a police officer she need her rest. She did look awfully tired and I was exhausted myself. I allowed her to arrange herself into a comfortable position. I kiss her on the forehead, something ma did to me and Mikey when we were little, and smiled. I don't know why I smiled it just seemed like the best thing to do at the moment. I turn to leave when I hear the same whispery voice telling me to stay until she fell asleep. I moved back to the bed and took her hand in mine. It wasn't as cold as before but still ice cold. " I love you, you know that Ritza?" I asked her just had to say I didn't know if this would be the last time I would see her again. "I know" she said as she fell asleep. I didn't like hospitals not after what I went through here with ma and myself; the walls were starting to close around me I need air. I left the information with the nurse that if anything changed to call me on my cell; I almost couldn't breath but I made it outside ok I gulped in air I couldn't get enough. I got into my car and flipped on the radio. Her station was on, I usually let no one touch my car or even look on it but she just flat out and changed it the second time she was in there and she continued to change it back until I finally gave up and left it. Commercials were playing, why cant any good songs be on? Figures just when I need to focus on something else the world wants me to focus on the problem. I felt so helpless what could I do?_

Nothing.


	4. Silence

_Its funny how a person can leave their essence after they've left with a simple causal thing like to leave a pen on top of the notepad they were writing on or a glass in the sink but what I loved was how her scent remained on the sheets hours after she had left. I held the pillow close just breathing in her essence it brought a calmness to me I hadn't felt in a while. I put the pillow down in fear that if I mangled it too much that her smell would be gone forever. There was a little chance that she would ever recover from this the doctors said it was advanced enough that they were very little hope that treatment would work._

_I did something I hadn't done in years after I left her; I went to pray. I had long lost my faith in anything but she had brought me back to it. I was only going to go because she begged me to go. It was a cute picture her begging me when I'd never seen her do it. I humoured her and had been going with her ever Sunday for the last two months something inside me felt as if it was okay to be happy to be alive and ok to feel sorry for my self once and a while. That it was ok to love and laugh and cry all in the time it took for me to think this, She made my life worth living and all that was going to be taken away from a disease you cant even see to the normal eye. It made me wondering what kind of higher power would do this? A cruel one._

_I opened the church door and walked in it looked the same as it did last Sunday minus the people cramming into the pews. It was amazing how many this church could fill. Only a woman sitting about the third pew was in there I didn't know if that was good or bad._

_It was good because I wanted to be alone but in a way I needed someone to talk to. For over thirteen years I had been able to go Faith for anything I needed or sometimes just to talk but that was over not after she accused me of cheating. I didn't cheat I had help I shot the target myself and passed the re-qualification test myself. Ritza only coached me nothing more. That's how we got back together actually. I took her out to celebrate that I hit the most of the target, one thing led to another and while the rest is history. And so was Ritza._

_Who would remember her month's even years after she dies? Maybe the jag offs that she put in jail but no one else would know. No one else in the city of New York would remember her because they didn't know her or that she existed. That sickened me. How could a person do so much good, while she couldn't exactly be labeled a Saint, but she was trying to the balance the bad with the good. She was like a crusader not wanting to stop until there was no evil in the world._

_I couldn't be here any more I had to get out. How can their be a higher power be so good when their was so much bad stuff in this world and most of all how could he be taking Ritza away from me? It had started to rain while I was in there and I was drenched within seconds. The only way I noticed the rain was as I stepped in to the warm apartment it hit me and chilled me to the bone._

_And as I lay here recalling all the things that have happened today I just want to be close to her I grab the pillow again breathing in her scent; a scent I would never forget no matter how long I lived._

_It's also how one song could fit you or your situation perfectly but it could mean something totally different. Why is it that the annoying stuff always stayed in your head the longest it seems the harder you try to block it out the more you remember._

_**Lying here in your bed **_

_**The one that you like to do it in**_

_**Pieces of long brown hair **_

_**Are all over it and still in my brain**_

_**I can't explain what it likes**_

_Why do I keep call it a problem? What other word can be used? Predicament? No too long to say. Problem there is no other way to describe it. My mind was too wound up for sleep I thought about everything all at once. You ever get that feeling like you needs to sort out through something's but they are all equally important so all of them jump at you? I didn't suffer from them much but it hit me full force._

_The silence has become my friend; that's all I hear now._


	5. Ending

I never posted whom the song was by in the last chapter so I'm doing it now. All She Wrote by Default. Enjoy! Also trying to make the chapters longer. Thanks for the reviews!

_As much as I wanted to I knew I couldn't spend the day with her, she wouldn't allow it. This time I did the begging; even at her weakest moment she was strong and stood her ground. She won the argument when she used her bitchy voice that she used everyday at work. Then her voice changed if I didn't know who she was I would have thought she had spilt personalities._

_I sit on the bench in front of my locker my eyes closed. This was harder than I thought it was how could I pretend like nothing was wrong? How could I forget that she was dying? So far everyone seemed to think I was tired in a way I was but I needed to be strong for the both of us. The day seemed drag on and the shift hadn't even started yet._

_She seemed different when I went to visit her; distant and uncaring almost like she was at work. She wouldn't even talk to me at first until I got right in her face and made her speak to me, even her voice seemed different._

"What's wrong?" _knowing that somethingwas bothering her if she was acting this way. She began to look everywhere else but me and that's when it hit me; she was breaking it off. Why?_

_I could tell by the look on her face she was sorry but it had to be done. How could she do this to me? After all we've been through together and she's breaking up with me? The room began to double. Great just what I needed another vision problem; I tried to focus on anything that wasn't double but everything moved around in two's even when I knew it wasn't moving._

_**There's a pain that sleeps inside  
It sleeps with just one eye  
And awakens the moment that you leave  
Though I try to look away  
The pain it still remains  
Only leaving when you're next to me**_

_She hasn't said anything else yet because she her voice usually broke through this problem, which shocked me a little bit because I had tried everything to make the double vision go away, but it didn't work. Her voice just made it stop. I don't know how and I don't really care but it stopped. The room slowly became into focus again which followed with the usual headache._

"I think it's best if we ended things now"

_This time she looked me directly in the eyes as if mockingly challenging me to do something about it. But what could I do? It was hard changing her mind once it was made up believe me I know._

_I wanted to know why, why now? Was she saving hurt for the both of us? Why I didn't get was how she thought it was ok to rip out my heart and hold it in her hands but drop it once it started beating again almost like it had burned her. As if it was unholy. Why was she doing this when she needed someone the most?_

_I clear my throat before I speak trying to dislodge the lump in my throat_

"Why?" _I looked over at her and willed her to look at me, she didn't. She wouldn't. She was a chicken, an Emu some type of animal that ran away from trouble when the goings got tough. This was unlike her._

"Just Because" _Neither was her answer Just Because? What the hell was going on? I refused to believe it._

"I want to know why?" _She wasn't getting out of this one that easy._

"It's just time to end it" "Great while it lasted but its over" _her tone never quivering and I knew that she had nothing else to say. This wasn't fair. I nodded my head and walked out of the room slamming the door as I went. It was hard to describe what I was feeling hurt, disappointment, resentment, anger, pity, empathy, frustrated, Take your pick. The headache came back stronger than before. Aspirin wasn't going to take this pain. Would time? Ha only time would tell._

_I needed to get drunk and find someone to screw. I received the most dirtiest looks from the nurses after I walked passed them. Who the really cares? I didn't. Let them hate me, they aren't the only ones and they certainly wouldn't be the last._

_**What happened to us?  
We used to be so perfect,  
Now we're lost and lonely what happened to us?  
And deep inside I wonder, did I lose my only?**_

_Ma had told me a couple days ago that she had gotten anew job at some bar. Great as if she didn't have enough trouble. Free drinks that's is what it meant. I walk into her bar she's making a drink for some gentleman and smiling too. It was good to see her smile from time to time and this smile wasn't forced like it was after Pops had beaten her and trying to put on a brave front for us. A nice genuine smile. I plop myself right in front of her. I needed her now. And if anyone didn't like it the hell with them._

"Maurice what's wrong honey?" _This was a mistake I shouldn't have come here. I didn't want to talk. All I could do is shake my head and she knew better and left it at that. I don't remember much after that I do remember closing time where she was going to take me home to her house. I also remember the blonde that tried to pick me up but somehow ma got rid of her. I didn't need a screw after all Somehow I felt like I was cheating on Ritza just for thinking about screwing some one else._

_His last thought before he fell passed out was of his precious Ritza._

_Across town, Ritza laid awake thinking about what she did. When the doctor comes in his face grim. She knew why he was here. How many times did she have to tell him? No she didn't want any treatment._

"We've found a match for you"

"Then what am I still in this room for? Let's Go!"

The song in this chapter was Disappear and What happened To Us? By Hoobastank.


	6. Alone

Had you fooled didn't I? Thought the previous chapter was the last? Nope its not and neither is this one!

I did a little different this time I took Cruz POV I felt it needed hers too. I don't know if I will do this again or not I just have to see how things go. Bosco's POV is in there two at the end. I just couldn't resist!

The song used in this one is Work by Jimmy Eat World

_I didn't mean to cause a rift in them once again, I'm glad that when Bos can't confide in me that he does to her. Im a little hurt though that he can't trust me enough to tell me everything. But what can I expect I haven't exactly been the nicest person. Not like Ms. Perfect. I hated her and yet I envied her because she has had him and will continue to have him, they share a special bond that I cant break I almost did before but some how it build itself back up before I could strike again. That's ok I guess we needed that to happen. We weren't exactly grown up not like now. He's been through so much sometimes I wish I could take away his pain and his fears and fight them so he doesn't have to. That's what makes us human. We are powerless to stop what we have coming to us. Why prolong life if you're just going to die in a few months anyways. Why couldn't I get that through any ones head? Its my choice my right to have the right whether I want to die or prolong it. I bet lots will be happy with the Bitch gone, they can go as they please with not in a care in the world. I know no one is like me and wont get as many people as I did. Why build myself up? Maybe a week or two after my death things will go back normal and I will be forgotten. Who am I kidding a week? I'd give it a couple days' hours even. I'm not well liked and I prefer to keep it that way. Even if it does get lonely._

_Two people I have let people in and both times they were out for their own personal gain, well I hurt him but to what extent? He was back acting like friends several months down the road. But I think that was to do with Faith being away he needed to replace her. I was ok with that I really got to know him or what he let me see. But then Faith had to come back and screw that up again. Once she came back he began to hate me just like she did as if he had something to prove to her. I was ok with that because that gave me and Monroe a chance to become friends I was actually starting to let her in. But I guess it wasn't really a friendship now was it? She used me. We are alike in many ways but I would NEVER rat out other cops and look at where that landed me. In jail. I can see why no one wants to go there it's a hellhole. You have to be street smart to be in there. Just once I would like to see either Faith or Monroe put in there for one day see how they would react to it. I'm guessing Faith would become someone's bitch so she didn't get hassled and the Bitch Monroe would try to talk her way out of it. I would like to see that. Talking to someone who's at least weighs a hundred pounds more and about a foot taller than her. That would be some sight._

_I am in some way thankful to Faith and her conscience and her wanting to be honest because if it had been anybody else whom I tried to save I bet they would let me rot for all the things I have done. I guess there are some exceptions I know Sully and Davis wouldn't but I couldn't say about Bosco. I had the chance to have something good with him and what did I do? I used and hurt him. The second time? I hurt him by using his brother to get what I wanted and look where that ended up. In the waiting room at the hospital waiting to see how Glenn was after saving my life. It was nice of Davis to come tell us that Wynn was killed. I had respected her; she had experience in areas I didn't. Everyone changed that day I knew how reckless I could be, Faith learned what Bosco's feelings towards her were even if they weren't love it was a kind of friendship that would go on for all time. I have no right to say this but it hurt me to see that he would jump in front of her to save her but I can see where he was coming from I had time to get out of the way being close to the wall. She froze and he knew it. That's what I would like to believe. I think that Davis realized his true feelings for Monroe even if they were short lived. Monroe I couldn't tell you what she learned because I thought I knew her but I don't and never will. I change to Sully now, the wise one I think. I heard about what happened to his wife a couple years back. It was sad so I guess he learned then don't piss off a Russian or a drug lord, the consequences can be life threatening._

_I'm sitting here staring out a window waiting for the doctor to tell me the good news or not if the bone marrow actually worked or not. I really don't know if I want it to work its good if that does but I also just want to leave and get away. I still couldn't believe I had decided to get treatment_

_**All I can say  
I shouldn't say  
Can we take a ride?  
Get out of this place  
While we still have time  
You want to take a ride?  
Get out of this place  
While we still have time  
Yeah - We still have time**_

_They say the third times the charm right? Well this is the third time I have hurt him and a part of me knows he won't becoming back again. It was stupid of me to let him go saying I didn't need him when I needed him the most. Its just all my life I've been on my own pushing everyone away in fear afraid that they would see the real me. Bosco was close to it and I had liked that. But he was gone now gone for good. That's the way it was to be I don't think I could take it knowing how bad he would take my death or the way I hope does. If it were he who was dying I don't know what I would do. He wouldn't show it on the outside but in the inside that's a different story, he's had two almost breakdowns. I fear for him because he actually hasn't said much about how he feels about the whole Mann thing which is just a time bomb waiting to happen. I wish I could be there when that does happen because then I will have something Faith doesn't at least a little bit._

_What am I doing sitting here wallowing in self-pity? Why can't I be selfish for once? Why must I always do everything for the better sake of things? I want to be happy and feel loved and I'm not going if I continue to sit here wallowing in self-pity now can I? What am I talking about he hates me again I hurt him again. But why does he always come back like a dog wanting more? I don't know but I just hope he'll come back this time._

_I take out my cell from the bedside and turn it on. I know its not supposed to be but they don't know cant hurt them. I dial the familiar numbers that I have imprinted into my brain and got butterflies in my stomach as it rang._

_It wasn't Bosco who answered it though some chick who sounded like she was having fun and was perky enough to answer._

"Boscorelli's Phone that came from his pants" _I should just hang up now. This was stupid._

_Before I could tell her what I wanted some rustling was heard in the background and_ "Give me my phone" _was heard. I didn't want to know what they were doing. I had broken up with him he's already moved on that was good._

_"_Hello Bosco here" _I couldn't say anything everything I had wanted to say wouldn't come out it had left my brain. I just sat there thinking of something to say. I highly doubt he would welcome wonderful weather we are having? This was a mistake and I flipped my phone shut. Uncontrollable hot tears spilled over my eyelids and rolled down my cheeks. I knew then I had lost him forever._

_Bosco POV  
__I was in role call when she called, that new stupid bitch Sgt had answered it and Swersky hid a smile when I actually took the phone back from her. She was in the middle of talking when I got up and left. Something had to be wrong if Ritza was calling me not after what she did. I ran into something and focus on what it was. Faith great! This day was just getting better and better._

"Bos what's wrong?" _How could she act like nothing was wrong?_

_I looked her straight in the eye_

"Leave me the hell alone"


	7. Scared

I'm sorry this chapter is sloppy i was in a hurry so i just took out some of the song cause its a long song. The next chapter hopefully you will like better. Everything by Lifehouse is the song in this one.

It seemed everything I had been doing lately had been going wrong. No one could stand to be around me, I hated my best friend, and the woman I love wanted nothing to do with me. What a freakin wonderful week!

The hallway seemed to go on forever, the longer I walked the farther away her room got. I actually would have walked past it if not for the doctor coming out of there. The doctor's face looked grim. Something was up.

I stood at the door not wanting to go in yet how would she greet me? Would her words be full of angry and tell me I'm reading too much into nothing? Would she open her arms and welcome me? I step around the corner and my eyes slowly made their way up to her. I knew she would do neither because she wasn't in this world she was seeing something else as if in anther time. I walk to the end of her bed I am in her line of view not and she stares at me like I am not even there. What could happen to make her be like this? Was this how it was going to take her from me? Slowly cloud her mind until she could no longer see anything else except her memories and would they too began to fade as she slowly looses her grip on reality?

Find me here  
and speak to me  
I want to feel you  
I need to hear you  
you are the light  
that's leading me  
to the place  
where I find peace again

you are the strength  
that keeps me walking  
you are the hope  
that keeps me trusting  
you are the life  
to my soul  
you are my purpose  
you're everything

And how can I  
stand here with you  
and not be moved by you  
would you tell me  
how could it be  
any better than this yeah

You calm the storms  
and you give me rest  
you hold me in your hands  
you won't let me fall  
you still my heart  
and you take my breath away  
would you take me in  
take me deeper now

And how can I  
stand here with you  
and not be moved by you  
would you tell me  
how could it be  
any better than this?

Cause you're all I want  
you're all I need  
you're everything  
everything

you're all I want  
you're all I need  
you're everything  
everything

Tears slowly spilled over and made their journey down her cheeks, was she even aware she was crying because she remained still; uncaring where they fell. Maybe it was me who was loosing their grip on reality because her words seemed distant when she did speak in no more than a whisper.

"It didn't work"

I looked at her I mean really looked at her, her face pale; her hair had lost its usual shine and now clung to her head. Her eyes were red and swollen.

"What didn't work Ritza?" She looked at me as if for the first time realizing I was there.

"The bone marrow didn't work" Fresh tears spilled over. "Why wouldn't it work? Is this my punishment?" "Is my body damaged goods?"

My heart broke to see her like this. My mouth suddenly dries. The truth finally set in she was going to die and nothing could be done to stop it.

The look in her eyes changed and she came back to reality slowly. She looked up to me noticing I was here.

"I'm scared Bosco" For the first time since I came she wiped the tears away as more fell. Even when she cried she was beautiful; most woman looked terrible there faces got all red, and their nose runs and ugh I didn't want to think about that. She was just beautiful. I move away from the bed and step closer until I could touch her. I smooth away her hair from her face with my hand. Her eyes asked so much and I would move heaven and earth to give it to her but for the first I was doing everything I could for her. At least I could be there for her, as her final days grew nearer. Her arms go around my waist and mine around hers. I would never leave her, not again. She meant too much to me.


	8. Photographs

_We sat in a small room, which was called an office. I suppose it would have been bigger if the doctor hadn't tried to see how much stuff he could fit into it. The only empty space was the wall in which the doctor sat and even that was covered in degrees, awards and pictures, from what I gather was the patients he helped cure. The doctor really doesn't cure the patient it's the drugs that they give you, which does the work for him. _

_Her hands were warm today as I felt the pressure of hers intertwined with mine. She looks better today to her hair shiny again and her eyes were no longer red and swollen. _

"Since the transplant didn't work" _Praying and good thoughts wouldn't work now. She needed a miracle._

_The doctor's mouth moved up and down but I could hear what came out of it. Why couldn't I concrete? No matter how hard I tried I could hear what he was saying._

_I look back at her and see her lick her lips and nod ever so often. I could have sworn I could see the motors turning as she sat there absorbing everything the doctor said. Her hand got tighter around mine as if channeling to me and only me how scared of this she really was. _

"I'll leave you too alone to discuss the options"_ He gets up rather smugly and heads for the door. He actually ran into the plant that was by the door. Which almost made me laugh out loud but I didn't think this was the right time to laugh so I held it in. _

"I don't want it,"_ She said the moment he had closed the door. What is she talking about? What doesn't she want? _

"What don't you want?"_ I never noticed how small her hands actually were compared to mine. Focus._

"The chemo I don't want it"_ What! How could she say such a thing? Her hand leaves mine and I notice that she gets up to wall behind his desk and is looking at the pictures. Last time I walked away without a fight but this time was different_

"Would you stop thinking of your self for a minute?"

"That's all I've been doing. People would be better off if I died,"_ She was thinking about everyone but me. _

"What about me? What do you think I will go through?" _I don't care if I was being selfish I wanted an answer. She takes a picture off the wall from what I saw it was two little children and their mother in the middle of them in a hospital gown. _

_She was missing out on love, having children and growing old. Who would want to give something like that up?_

"Think about what your missing out on" 

"What miss out on pain, heartache? No thanks pass"_ She was back to her old self pushing everything and one away._

_She flung the picture at me and it would have hit me in the head if I hadn't have caught it. She had her arms wrapped around herself she was crying again. _

_I look at the picture that was flung at me the two children looked almost identical to the woman, I glance from Ritza back to the picture. It was her, Lettie and their mother. _

"Is this?" I couldn't finish the thought and yet I already knew the answer 

"Ya that was mother. It was taken the first time she went into remission"_ I study the picture some more all three were really quite beautiful all in their own way. _

"I thought your mother was dead"

"She is, she died about six months after that was taken"_ I didn't know that. _

"Can you understand why I don't want treatment? I saw what she went through and I don't want to go there again"_ The truth was I could understand. But I didn't want to._

Even across the room our eyes held each other, I saw something in them I thought I would never see not in her. Fear I don't think she wanted to die but she didn't want to go through what her mother did.

"_Please just accept my decision I don't want to argue with you. Not now" This was a new side to her I had never seen before it was kinda nice. As she walked around the desk I know what she needed._

"I accept your decision" _As I took her in my arms._

**I'm gonna be here for you baby  
I'll be a man of my word  
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard  
I wanna sleep with you forever  
And I wanna die in your arms  
In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm  
**

**And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you  
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us  
**

_I bought a camera later on that day and carried it with me where ever I went so that I could at least have them when she died. I also began to write to her just what I was feeling and what not. I found I could tell her things that I normally couldn't say out loud. She wrote back too. We never discussed what was in the letters; it was our little secret. She asked me to marry her in one of her letters so that she could at least experience love. _

_We were married by a justice of the peace's office with Ma as our witness. She had on a white dress, that clung to her, her hair piled loosely on top of her head and she carried a lone peach rose. The lights above us making her look like an angel. Her hands even trembled as she put my ring on my finger and I laughed causing her to smile. Since I couldn't take the pictures I heard a photographer to take as many pictures as possible no matter the cost. _

_We had about two months after our wedding day before signs started show and she got weaker and weaker you could tell in her letters as they became shorter and shorter. I told her I loved her every chance I got not knowing when the last time I would see her alive. She always laughed at me when I told her and she told me she loved me too. I became trigger-happy and must have taken at least a hundred a day. Most of her but some we were together both smile and yet both hiding the pain. No one knew about her disease we keep it a secret. She just took a leave of absence and I did too, I didn't want her to die alone and although she refused help I know she needed it. We had to tell Lieu and he almost broke down in tears when we told him. He told me to take as much time as I needed and I knew what he meant. For after her death too. With him saying it, reality set in even more it was only a matter of time and I wasn't prepared I don't think I ever was._

_She died on May 22 a nice bright day; she had laid down for a nap and never woke up. I am thankful for getting one last picture in before she died just as she had fallen asleep. I even told her I loved her. I cant help but wonder if she knew she wouldn't be waking up from this nap because she had said "I love you too Maurice" and she never called me Maurice always Bos or Bosco. I had lost my best friend, my lover, my soul mate being hit by a train would have hurt less. _

_You were buried on a Friday; it was a nice day outside. Nice and sunny and a slight breeze to take the heat away. Everyone from the 55 was there and some I didn't know. When it came time for everyone to put the roses on I let everyone else go. Soon all you could see was red all over the golden brown. Now it's my turn I stand up and slowly make my way over to your coffin. I carry the rose in my hand. I kiss the rose as I gently place my rose on top of the others it stands out from the rest because I had placed a peach rose instead of red. With one final salute you were lowered into the ground. _

_Everyone was going out to Haggerty's for drinks, some to celebrate that you were dead, and others to drown grief and the rest just because everyone else was. I wanted to be alone with you or at least the pictures of you and us together. _

_I walk into our home we once shared its lonely and empty now without you here. I still wait for you to come out of the bedroom and greet me with a kiss but I know you wont. You are no longer with me. You were always smiling into the camera and I sometimes did too, we looked so happy but you could tell both of us were hiding our pain._

_**Alone in this house again tonight  
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine  
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me  
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me  
I'll never get over you walkin' away  
**  
**I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show  
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control  
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain  
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain  
From my eyes  
Tonight I wanna cry  
**  
**Would it help if I turned a sad song on  
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone  
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters  
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better  
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way**_

_You pillow has long lost it shape but it will be imprinted into my brain forever. I never expected this to be so hard. I slip into our bed and cry, crying because I will never see you again and cry for those who don't know you to cry. _

_I have never felt so alone. Why did you have die? And leave me here alone._

_**I'm gonna be here for you from now on  
This you know somehow  
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now  
And I'm gonna make you a promise  
If there's life after this  
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss**_


	9. Dream

Well what can I say? Not much except who's songs I used. You may have already guessed what the first song is: Here Without You by Three Doors Down, the second bolded words are My Immortal by Evanescence, and so is the third, then we go back to Here Without you then back to My Immortal, then the last one is Vermillion Pt 2 by Slipknot. I'm sorry that this is short compared to my last one but its just a little tie up thing that I have to do before my last chapter. I almost forgot I never posted who the songs were in Chapter 8. The songs were Making Memories of Us and Tonight I Wanna Cry by Keith Urban.

* * *

_You have been dead just over three months and everyday I wake up screaming your name. A new dream haunts me now. You are at the end of a hallway and surround by bright lights and I try to reach you but you just look at me and turn away walking farther towards the bright lights. I wake up in a sweat everyday now. Its not getting any easier to face these days without you. _

**_A hundred days have made me older  
Since the last time that i saw your pretty face  
A thousand lies have made me colder  
And i don't think i can look at this the same  
But all these miles that separate  
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face_**

**_I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And i dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight it's only you and me_**

_Every one is nice to me as if they know I have lost something. I just wish they would stop I don't need their help; I need you but I can never have you again. Some times when I am alone I swear I can hear your voice calling out to me but I know its not. I visit your tomb everyday and place a single peach rose against it. Do you feel me there? _

_People were shocked when they saw your tombstone well not the actual tombstone just the name. Martiza Cruz-Boscorelli. I know you wanted to keep our marriage a secret but I couldn't just knowing that you were my wife brought me something I cant describe. People a hundred years from now on will know that you and I were married._

**_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_**

**_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_**

_I don't know how much more I can take. The need to be with you and to see you over power me sometimes and the pictures aren't enough anymore. I need something more. Something more real. _

**_But you still have  
All of me_**

_If you were here I know what you would say. Time to move on but I cant let go. Maybe because I know that once I let go I can never go back and I don't want that. I even bought your shampoo and wash your pillow in it so it will still smell like you. I haven't moved anything of your yet, I cant bring myself to do it. I look at your shampoo everyday when I go in for a shower but I never touch it, because if I do you wouldn't be the last one to touch it. I know this seems corny but all of this I feel still plays the illusion that you are here. _

**_Everything i know,and anywhere i go  
It gets hard but it wont take away my love  
And when the last one falls  
When it's all said and done  
It gets hard but it wont take away my love_**

_Will this ever get any easier? I don't know, I'm not sure if I want it too because that means that I have gotten over you and I don't ever want to that. _

_I am at your grave again tonight just staring at your grave knowing that you are buried beneath where I stand. I feel closer to you here._

_**I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along**_

_Faith has even tried to comfort me but it feels wrong. I don't know how it just does. I don't think theirs anyone out there that can help me this is why I have to do it on my own. _

**_She is everything to me  
The unrequited dream  
A song that no one sings  
The unattainable, She's a myth that I have to believe in  
All I need to make it real is one more reason  
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad._**


	10. Rain

In this one i used Empty Space by Lifehouse and then Beneath by After Forever

_I stand here at your grave again tonight. I know I am the only visitor you have ever received. The only other one is lying in the ground beside you._

_My feelings towards you have turned to hate. I cant understand why you would choose to leave this world and me when you had the chance to stay. I feel guilty about not coming for almost a week but the hatred kept me away._

_I stare looking at your grave not really seeing it for the complete darkness. The wind and rain nipping at my face trying for me to play their game. Lightning lights the sky and for a brief second I can see you name and the peach rose I had just placed their the rain forcing both to play its game._

_The metal in my hand feeling left out makes its presence known as it gets heavier in my hand. Lightning strikes the sky again, causing me to see the deadly weapon in my hand. I have tried everything to move on but some how I am still at square one. So this is why I choose to do this tonight; now._

_My death will have an impact on some people I know but they will never experience the pain that I live with everyday of not having you here. I have a letter in my pocket that explains everything._

_I sit with my back leaning up against your name with the gun in my hand not wanting to do this just yet as if im almost waiting for a sign not to do this Thunder pounds in tune agreeing with me now is the time to do it. Lightning agrees as this one is extra bright and I see that I am covered in mud._

_**too late to hide  
and too tired to care  
take what you've left  
and forget the rest  
take what you see  
of what's left of me  
you know where I've been  
and I don't want to go there again**_

_I have nothing to live for anymore. Things that once would have excited me have turned into a chore that never seems to end. Us together is where I could forget everything. How can I get away if you are no longer here? The headaches have been getting stronger and take longer to go away. I should have taped your voice so your words could break through. I am afraid to think that I have forgotten how your voice sounds. The rise and fall of your tone when your happy or sad sometimes pissed off. That's what scares me the most. I have tried so hard to hang on to you and you keep slipping farther away now._

_The dreams have gotten worse now I only see the back of your head or what I think it is but know I can catch up to you and I place my hand on your shoulder you turn around but you head falls off and I wake up every time around that time._

_**you're beautiful  
you're confusing  
you're illogical  
you're amazing  
and I've seen the world  
it's overrated  
until you're everything  
I have nothing  
but empty space**_

_**I've been down  
this road before  
all that I've found  
points me right back to you  
and I've watch you move  
from down below  
where do I go from here  
I guess I'll find out as I go**_

_I take the gun now and remove the safety checking to see that it will work ok. I check the clip only one bullet in there, that's all I'll need for this job that I have to do._

_All our lives we try so hard not to turn out like our parents until one day it hits us that we are just like them. With me that has become true, I am not abusive who would I hit? I just drink. Look it what you have reduced me to Ritza, a drunken bastard that I cant stand to be around._

_In my attempts to move on I have packed some of your pictures so they cant taunt me knowing that you never knew this side of me. But they failed horribly and I brought back out every picture I had put away._

_Is it possible to be drunk enough to be sober? I know I have a lot to drink tonight but yet it hasn't taken the pain away like it usually does. This helped my decision of what I am about to do._

_I hope for lightning so I can see the picture I hold in my other hand; its of us on our wedding day. Its just after we had kissed, you had a big smile on your face and if anyone saw this they wouldn't know you were dying. That's what I admired even though you were dying you thought about everything else and tried to move on like you weren't afraid. I knew you were, everyone is along with me. I am scared to do this but there is no turning back now._

_I cock my gun and bring the picture within my eye level, my eyes have well adjusted to the darkness now and I can see us clearly. Given the chance I know our kids would have been gorgeous. One of my regrets is not giving Ma and grand kids to spoil. But how am I supposed to do that when the one I wanted my kids to be with is dead? I cant._

_**Fighting a war that rages inside  
The world can't see the hate that burns in there  
How can we face what lies beneath,  
If we just fear and don't fight back?**_

_Soon i will be with my precious Matriza i can already see her welcoming me with open arms._

_**Until your everything  
**_**_I have nothing  
__But.._**

_My finger is itching to pull the trigger and finally i allow it._

_**An Empty Space**_

_The gunshot is heard by no one except the graves adn their owners but they wont say anything. Couldnt even if they tried._

_The caretaker found Bosco the next morning when he was cutting the grass. All he could do is stop to stare in amazement how wonderful the rose was blossoming you could almost call it the perfect rose. It lay untouched by the body beside it. Days later he was buried beside Matriza and one his grave it read._

**Maurice Boscorelli  
****Died loving his one and only...**

**Martiza**

I really don't know if I should end it there do you think that I should post what's in the letter? Let me know.


End file.
